What do you want to be when you grow up?

Written by Featured Writer – Kay Clark 

I wanted to be many things, but my mother always talked me out of them.

• Hairdresser: I’d have to stand on my feet all day.
• Airline stewardess (now they are flight attendants): they were glorified waitresses and why would I want to wait on people hand and foot?
• Artist: of course you know she said I’d starve to death!

But I loved to draw. When I was in grade school (later called grammar school and now elementary school – hmm, does that mean that grades and grammar no longer matter and now everything is “elementary my dear Watson, elementary”?). Well, I digress. As I was saying, when I was a little girl I loved to draw. Drawing cartoon characters was my favorite thing to do. I drew Elmer Fudd, Bugs Bunny, Jiminy Cricket, Tweetie and Sylvester – well, you get the picture. My best loved were none other than Chip and Dale and Lady and the Tramp.

Even at that young age, I saw marriage as something comforting and cute and fun. So it’s no wonder that my highest aspiration in life turned out to be marriage. It looked easy enough, everybody did it (how hard could it be?), you could go to work and earn your own money, you didn’t have to go to school anymore. You’d have a swell little house with a white picket fence (no one told me you had to paint the fence to keep it white) and lots of fun kids to play with all day long. Now, if I had thought it through I’d have realized that I couldn’t work AND play with kids all day long. But children dream dreams that make sense to them; that was my dream and that’s exactly what I did.

I graduated from high school, immediately got a good job, immediately got married, and immediately had my first baby. This all happened within one year and I was 18 years old. I married my Prince Charming who rode into my life in a Mustang (convertible, not a horse). How was I to know that his alcoholism and criminal activity would pull me down to the deepest depths of my existence and shatter all the dreams I ever had?

How did I go from cute Chip and Dale or beautiful and handsome Lady and the Tramp to despair so quickly? What, you might ask, happened to my dream? I still had it, I knew it was possible, but I didn’t know how to achieve it.

It took two failed marriages (both alcoholics) and a failed relationship as well as a move half way across the country before God got my attention. He brought a wonderful godly man into my life who took me to church where I heard the gospel of Jesus Christ. I gave all that junk in my life to Him and he pulled me out of the lifestyle I found myself in. After several years that godly man asked me to marry him and I accepted.

Early in our marriage my husband and I attended a FamilyLife Weekend to Remember (WTR) marriage enrichment weekend. I knew I was supposed to focus on my current marriage, but I couldn’t help but reflect on what I was hearing and reading as it related to all my failed relationships; perhaps Buddy was doing the same. As we focused on the speakers and worked through the projects we grew even closer together. We shared openly and honestly and we continue to apply the principles we learned that weekend.

Today I am retired from a great job (thanks to my loving mother – I guess she knew what she was talking about after all) and celebrating 17 wonderful years of marriage to my true Prince Charming. I have that house with an aged gray picket fence and lots of kids (mine, stepchildren, grandchildren, step-grands, and step-great-grands) and I love them all. But most important: I have Christ in the center of my life.

Attending the Weekend to Remember sparked a desire in our hearts to reach out to couples and families in the Metroplex and do what we could to help strengthen marriages. We began serving at subsequent WTRs and today we are privileged to serve as volunteer leaders on the Dallas/Fort Worth City Ministry Team for FamilyLife Ministries. To learn more about the Weekend to Remember getaways visit our website at www.familylife.com/groups/BUDDYandKAY. You can even attend a WTR for free by forming your own group of friends.

What a journey I’ve been on! Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that God has a plan for our lives. He paints on a canvas that is full of color and life and stress and strife. He tells us in Psalm 23 that although we will walk through deep, dark valleys He will be there with us. And His paintings are full of promises that fill us with hope and joy and thanksgiving. I needed those things in my life and found them.

And speaking of art, there are a number of other resources available to couples and families. The Art of Marriage is an all-new six session video event created to help couples experience God’s plan for marriage. To find or host an Art of Marriage event visit www.FamilyLife.com/TheArtofMarriage.

Do me a favor: Take your spouse by the hand and walk into one of these events. And may God bless you abundantly.

Is Bagging Leaves Worth it?

Now this is a marriage blog and I promise, what I am about to share will be relative.  I had an experience today that motivated me to write this message so just bear with me as I make my point (or points). Around my house are numerous oak trees.  They are wonderful shade providers and furnish ample acorns for the squirrels depending on the weather for that year.  Regardless of the weather, leaves on the ground abound in the autumn season. Earlier today I was motivated to fill a few bags of leaves.  Mostly it was at my wife’s bequest but I know it needs to be done. If you have trees or your neighbors have trees, you also know what must be done this time of year.  What you might not know is that one month earlier I suffered a stroke.  Fortunately I was not left paralyzed.  Rather, I was left with a tingling numbness on my entire right side.  With full use of my right side but not much feeling, I was not super motivated to rake up leaves.  Then I remembered the power tools.

I don’t want to give away the trade secrets to successful leaf bagging but there are a few basics.  I have always used and continue to use a long fingered metal rake.  You know, I am talking about the type with flexible metal fingers that can reach under the bushes and seem to magically grab the leaves away from the ground.  Aside from that I like to use a thick flat plastic sheet that has a rolled up memory and I reverse the roll so that it holds open the plastic bag.  I also use a dust pan to scoop up the leaves and put them in the bag. Oh yeah, I almost forgot the power blower.  It is an electric blower that I think blows up to the speed of an F6 tornado.  That’s the fun part!  And it almost makes bagging leaves worth it. Almost!

As I began to gather up the trillions of leaves laying around the yard and driveway it seemed a futile task.  Where did all these leaves come from?  I looked up in the tree and there are what look to be about 2.5 trillion more leaves that I can look forward to picking up in the very near future.  So why am I bothering?!!!  Well, In am having a blast with the power blower.  My cat is sitting in the window going bonkers at all the leaves blowing around the window and that is motivating!  Have you ever watched a cat trying to catch something it cannot possible get to?  I always have fun with the laser light and the cats because they chase it but cannot possibly ever pin it!  It’s kind of the way I feel with the leaves.

In the process of moving around I note that I am thankful to be able to use my arms and legs and feet and hands even if I don’t have full feeling in them.  I also have use of my eyes and ears and all the things necessary to function as a normal human being although things are still a bit uncomfortable.  The fact is, as I am going through this leaf bagging experience I come to the realization of just how blessed by God I really am!  The situation could be considerably worse than it is.  I am still having difficulty getting beyond the futility of the leaves and start thinking about the tools.  How much more difficult this would be without the tools.  Imagine trying to pick up these trillions of leaves one by one or even two by two without any tools.  How futile would that seem?

As I worked I began to think about the statistics on marriage.  Thinking how the divorce rate is over 50%.  Wondering about the futility of trying to participate in a marriage ministry where the odds seem so stacked against making a dent in those statistics.  It reminds me of the story about the little boy picking up the dying starfish that were washing up on land because they were stuck on dry land.  He ran from starfish to starfish and kept throwing them back out in the water.  A man came along and criticized the boy asking, “why are you doing that?  Don’t you know there are millions of those starfish washing up on shore and dying. You aren’t making a dent in dying starfish! What you are doing doesn’t make any difference!”  The little boy looked up at the man as he picked up yet another starfish and said as he threw it back out to sea, “It matters to this one”!  It really put my thoughts into perspective, “It matters to this one”!

FamilyLife Ministries has been fighting the battle for godly marriages for 34 years.  They now have an arsenal of quality tools starting with the Weekend to Remember Getaway where couples can get away from life’s distractions and focus on each other to help build stronger marriages. Additionally there are Homebuilder’s books which are small group based studies for a 4 to 6 week duration to help improve communication and understanding skills between husband and wife.  There is the new Art of Marriage video conference which is dynamic and powerfully designed to be used in a church or smaller venue than the traditional conference ballroom setting.  There is a brand new series called LifeReady strategies with studies like College Ready and Raising a Young Knight, Marriage Oneness, is still another tool to help strengthen marriages.  FamilyLife has developed an E-Mentoring program designed to be one on one sessions with trained persons in marriage ministry via email and instant messaging!  We now have the power tools to make the job easier and more relative to the culture today. 

The battle is not futile! It matters to the one we help today, and tomorrow, and the next day! Regardless of how the statistics stack up against us, we serve a mighty God and He has put people in place to bring His vision to the world. What a privilege and an honor it is to have the opportunity to help a struggling couple find the tools to overcome their difficulties. I have personally experienced the joy and exhilaration of being obedient to the call God put on my heart when a couple decides to tear up their divorce papers now that they have hope!  This is what being involved with the FamilyLife Ministries does is to give hope to families.  And they do it one family at a time. We have the power tools to make it happen.  Will you make the commitment to make a difference one family at a time? I promise you, it’s worth it!

Mark J. Montgomery

For the best effect click on the icon in the lower right hand side of the video clip to view this in full screen. This is a breathtaking video of God’s majesty.

Does Faith Hide Marital Abuse?

Too often spouses allow abuse because of twisted theology and Scripture interpretation.         Debbie Jansen

Sherri (not her real name), a newlywed, was suffering from intense mental abuse that had the potential to escalate to physical abuse. When Christian friends tried to intervene, she smiled and said quietly, “I don’t mind doing that for him. I love him.” She ducked her head and walked away—alone.

It’s difficult for Christian women to separate the demands of their husband from the demands of their faith. The hardworking Proverbs 31 woman may make some women feel totally responsible for the home, the children, and anything that goes wrong. Rather than evaluate circumstances they accept the abuse hoping that their Christian love will cause the situation to change. These women often refuse to believe they are victims and instead view their role as peacemakers. These women rarely acknowledge abuse until it becomes physical.

Sherri was one of those women. She reluctantly came to me for counseling at the urging of her parents. Her mother wasn’t sure it was abuse, but worried that something was wrong. Sherri quietly talked about her desire for a Christian home and that she was committed to doing whatever was necessary to keep her home together. Her husband made unreasonable demands, criticized every action, damaged her self esteem, and blamed his inadequacies on her choices. He even refused to share control of bank cards or the checkbook, and often left her without change to purchase a small drink while shopping. She endured the mental abuse by quoting Scriptures and the fact that she might be able to bring her husband to a deeper walk with Christ. By quoting 1 Corinthians 7:14 she felt it was her duty to take the mental abuse thinking that her prayers, her patience, and her love would heal her home.

It’s easy for a newlywed to explain changes in personality, friends, and obligations as a desire to be the devoted spouse. A devoted Christian can take a verse like, “Wives submit to your husbands” (Ephesians 5:22) or “The two shall become one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31) and turn it into a reason to accept mental or physical abuse.

If you fear your friend or family member is a victim of abuse, there are four ways you can help her, especially when she uses faith to justify the abuse.

1. Don’t try to argue into understanding. Faith abuse is rooted in the lack of scriptural understanding concerning God’s desire for women and marriage. If you choose to argue marital opinions with a victim, you’ll create avoidance and the loss of all incoming information. Instead coordinate your efforts with friends and family, agree to be pleasant, kind, affirming, and compassionate. Your goal is to share Scripture as if you were planting a seed that will counteract what he/she is hearing at home. Be patient and compassionate as you wait for the seed to take root.

2. Ask your church to provide a coordinated series on subjects such as real love, God’s designs for us, or relationship skills. Seek to teach them from both the pulpit and classes in order to double-up the message. Strong scriptural teaching that promotes individual self-esteem while teaching against abuse will also plant a seed. Be aware that the abuser may restrict the victim from attending those events. Approaching the abuser will cause a larger problem. If the abuse is mental, it’s better to give the abused the tools he or she will need to break away from the abuser.

3. Plant little seeds. It’s dangerous to allow a victim to feel alone and helpless. Make time to be with the victim. Chat and laugh about as many different topics as you can. Your goal is to build trust rather than make a point. In each meeting use chatty comments about how your spouse or boyfriend supports your self-esteem. Be sure and support their actions with Scripture. Rather than accuse her husband, share an example of how your husband treats you. If you’re gentle you can offer a general negative remark like, “I’m so glad my Tom allows time for my girlfriends. Don’t you just hate it when some men are so controlling that they won’t let their wife have a life?” Look away. Don’t connect with her as if you’re talking about her husband. Immediately change the subject. our goal is to plant a lot of little seeds with situations and Scripture.

4. Do your homework and be ready with the name and phone number of a good counselor. After the seed begins to grow, the victim may decide to share her or his situation. Without being judgmental, offer counselor information and quickly add, “Only if you want to.”

An abused person must develop the strength to endure separation, guilt, and the possible physical abuse that comes with correcting the problem. It’s important to give her time to develop the desire and the strength to change.

5. Pray for her and that she’d understand the true meaning of Scripture. It’s difficult to look past some Scriptures to the larger truth that God’s will does not include the destruction of talents and abilities he placed within us. Marriage shouldn’t tear down who we are. Marriage should celebrate and magnify our good qualities. It’s only when we concentrate on the responsibility of both parties to lift up the other that we can see God’s true purpose for marriage.

I was able to help Sherri realize that God’s love for her included a mandate for her husband to treat her with respect and protect her mentally. She isn’t responsible for her husband’s sin. God loves her and doesn’t want her to suffer.

When Sherri began to see her purpose through the eyes of a loving God, she was able to correct the abuse within her home. She sought help from her family and church friends. She confronted her husband in a safe environment, and put boundaries in place that would hold both of them accountable—him to no longer be able to abuse, and her to no longer tolerate the abuse.

As Christians we’re asked to turn the other cheek, to go the extra mile, and to give until it hurts. Scriptures that support self esteem and personal talent must also be applied to marriage. For example, 1 Corinthians 12 describes personal gifts and their importance to the church body. In the same way, individual gifts are important to marriage if partners are to function as one body. If a dysfunctional definition of faith allows one partner to destroy the talents and abilities of their spouse, it can only be labeled as abuse.

All of that giving might confuse some partners into believing that God requires them to suffer through an abusive marriage. If you step back and look at the Bible as a whole, you’ll find that God’s design is for each spouse to support the abilities and talents of the other (1 Corinthians 12:7). We should not allow faith to hide marital abuse.

As the husband explores his God-given abilities and the wife expands her God-given abilities, the marriage becomes a unique blend of Christian potential. It’s only in this blending of talents that a marriage can be successful and reach out to a hurting world.

Debbie Jansen is a family specialist, author, speaker, and owner of The Family Training Center. She writes and teaches the curriculum for more than 90 classes on relationships. http://www.debbiejansen.com/

A Message about the State of Marriage
  
How concerned are you?

Consider what has recently come across my desk:

• Newsweek’s lead article entitled, “The Case Against Marriage.” Idealizing cohabitation. Promoting unimaginable “forms” of marriage. Normalizing sex outside of marriage. This may explain why both Newsweek and our nation are going bankrupt.

• A website called AshleyMadison.com that promotes “An Affair to Remember” made a bid of $25 million for sponsorship of the newly-built New York Giants NFL Stadium to have it named after them. Stuff like this, and more, caused sex symbol Raquel Welch to say, “Seriously, folks, if an aging sex symbol like me starts waving the red flag of caution over how low moral standards have plummeted, you know it’s gotta be pretty bad.”

I am more convinced than ever that the evil in this world is plotting, planning, and doing everything within its power to destroy hundreds of millions of marriages and families … including yours, your children’s, and your grandchildren’s.

You already know this from personal experience … when a family succeeds or fails, the impact is felt for generations.

Your volunteering to help on the local DFW Team will help FamilyLife move forward with new programs and resources for the benefit of your family and others. We have proven, effective ministry platforms such as FamilyLife Today®, FamilyLife.com, and Weekend to Remember® Marriage Getaways.

Bottom line: I’m depending on those who benefit from what we do every day to continue this work on behalf of your family.

Your generosity will be used by God as a strategic part of our ministry to help people in need. What greater investment could there be than to make your marriage and family thrive–and then reach out to help others do the same?

Are you concerned? Please be part of this life-transforming ministry with your generous gift of volunteering with your local team today. email to dfwfamilylife@gmail.com to learn more.  Stand with us now to make an impact … strong homes, strong families, all for God’s glory.

Yours for godly homes,
Dennis Rainey

The 2010 conference is over and what a great conference it was!  Many marriages were enhanced and some salvaged based on the evaluations that were turned in.  The crowd seemed to be a young group and connected well with the concepts and principles taught by the speakers.

It is not too soon to begin plans for the 2011 Weekend to Remember.  The dates are March 4 – 6, 2011 and the new rates go into effect.  The great news is if you register under a group name you can go half price, or two for the price of one!  For more details visit FamilyLife Dallas Fort Worth Weekend to Remember Marriage Getaway Conference.

DENNIS RAINEY AND A TRIBUTE TO SKIP AND BECKY LEFFLER

Hello Dallas Fort Worth Family Life Friends!

Thank you for visiting our website and learning more about the Family Life Conference and other resources.  Browse through our website and discover how a Family Life Conference might help you tune up your marriage.  There are many couples who have found life changing principles for their marriages.  We hope you enjoy the website and feel free to request prayers.  We have a team of prayer warriors that will pray over your request.  Go to the pryaer page to get more information about how you might join the prayer team or to find out how to send us your prayer request.

Please patronize the advertisers you find here.  Many of them contribute to Family Life and other ministries with at least a portion of their proceeds.  You might want to take a look at our worldwide ministries page where you can learn about some very interesting missions going on around the globe.

The Family Life Conference “Weekend to Remember is coming up soon!  Set your calendars for June 25-27, 2010.  What a great weekend to spend with your spouse!  It is a wonderful Valentines present especially if you are looking for something different and not the same old chocolates and flowers routine.  Learn more about the Weekend to Remember by clicking on the Weekend to Remember tab above.  Leave some comments below if you have attended previously and let everyone know what a worthwhile retreat it was for you and your spouse.